Holy shit, the ship is moving!

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Dear Uncle Randy,

So what's the best way to tell my parents that I'm a stripper???

Prelude. Waiting in Tarakohe.

I arrive at the ship late in the afternoon on a torrential Thursday. Soaked through to the skin, I stand at the edge of the dock and peer downwards; it is low tide and the deck awaits my greeting three metres below.

Pedestrian Complaints.

Dear Uncle Randy,

Pedestrian crossings, it's just a constant stream of bloody people and the cars have to give way, put lights in so they have to bloody wait, or let me run them over.

Sweet n’ Salt.

Dear Uncle Randy,

Why can you only buy salted popcorn at the movies? There is too much salt and it burns my tongue. Why can't we have toffee popcorn or buttery caramel popcorn? And who the fuck is eating Choc-Top ice cream?!

Bring the Noise.

Dear Uncle Randy,

Me and my flat mates all work as chefs or in hospo. We're often up at 4 or 5am. But our neighbours like to play loud music, shout at each other and make a racket most weekends until late. We've nicely asked them to turn it down and even had to phone noise control once. They turn up the music and say everyone is entitled to party at the weekend. They say this loudly outside my window, rather than to my face. How can we get some sleep?


Dear Uncle Randy,

Is it off limits for husband to sneak around with wife's best friend? I only found out now it's 7 years later. We were best friends since school and I thought she was my friend!! She admitted she did it when she was drinking on Friday and now I don't know what to do as he still doesn't know I know. Is it too late to do something?

Merry Shitmas.

Dear Uncle Randy,

My father sends me really shit gifts every Christmas – from out-of-tune music boxes to weird, odd-fitting clothes. This year, I want to get ahead of the game and send him something truly terrible in return. Is this a good idea? What do you suggest?

Losing Shit.

Three months ago, I lost my bank card. I searched the entire house for it. I emptied draws, turned out pockets, flipped sofa cushions; nothing. So I emptied more draws, turned out the other pockets, double flipped the same sofa cushions; still no bank card. Frown lines deepening, hair growing thin, I sucked my teeth... Continue Reading →