Dear Uncle Randy,
Is it off limits for husband to sneak around with wife’s best friend? I only found out now it’s 7 years later. We were best friends since school and I thought she was my friend!! She admitted she did it when she was drinking on Friday and now I don’t know what to do as he still doesn’t know I know. Is it too late to do something?
Dear The Betrayed,
Seven years is undoubtedly a rather long time; long enough for empires to wage terrible wars, for chewing gum to finally digest and make your poop all pink and stretchy, and for marriages to turn cold, sour, and “itchy”. Seven years is time enough even for a person’s character to evolve in wonderfully surprising ways, time to learn from past mistakes and revise behaviour accordingly, for regrets to subside and humility arise with the due passing of the years. However, as long as seven years may be, it is never too late to exact cold and ruthless vengeance upon those who have dared do you wrong; the coiled cobra can strike only deadlier with each passing moment of concentrated venom. The question remains: how best to unleash the fury of your seasoned wrath for maximal retribution?
Fortunately, your husband remains blissfully ignorant to your knowledge of his infidelities, like a tiny mouse sniffing curiously at a great wedge of pungent Gruyére moments before the spine shattering crack of metal snaps shut upon its pestilent ways. Let his ignorance provide the fertile ground for sowing your seeds of tasty revenge. Start by identifying his best friend, seducing him/her, then in seven years time confessing your illicit pursuit in merciless detail; show him photos and replay video footage as you bask in the sweet tears of reprisal. MUHAHARAAHAA! REVENGE! Until then you still have a good seven years of insidious spite to exact upon both your husband and your so called “best friend”. Scrawl their phone numbers on the walls of seedy public toilets alongside requests for deviant sexual encounters and illegal substances. Report heinous crimes anonymously with highly accurate composite sketch descriptions. Hire a motorcycle gang to spook them with chains and crowbars. Conceal a small amount of weapons-grade plutonium in their cellphones and watch on slyly as acute radiation syndrome takes due effect. Let vengeance become you, think of nothing else morning noon and night. May malice course through your veins and beat the war drum of your heart. Truly they shall rue their day of betrayal! Or, open an honest channel of communication, lay the cards face up fearlessly and have a frank conversation, accept any outcome and move onwards with life and love. If the bridge has not yet been reduced to ashes that is…