Dear Uncle Randy,
Why can you only buy salted popcorn at the movies? There is too much salt and it burns my tongue. Why can’t we have toffee popcorn or buttery caramel popcorn? And who the fuck is eating Choc-Top ice cream?!
Undoubtedly, salted popcorn on its own is as tantalising as a wet sock on stale bread. It clings pitifully, like sun dried frog spawn, from the lowest rung of the gustatory order; just above ‘plain’, which is on a palatable par with styrofoam packing peanuts. Salted popcorn is as austere as vanilla ice cream, 100 thread-count bed sheets, the missionary position. However, such meek bases are often the antecedents for far finer creations, the starting notes to great symphonies of savour; Triple-Decker Waffle Wonder Banana Sundaes, Egyptian cotton milk-and-honey sateen, reverse flamingo flaming fellatio.
You simply lack the imagination to think outside of the proverbial popcorn box, overlooking the creative possibilities at hand, and in your impotent state of blind aversion, you have failed to create the glorious out of the mundane. Take the celebrated Choc-Top – which you erroneously dismiss so freely – and simply dunk it top-down into your bucket of salted frog spawn. Et voilà! You have successfully conceived the popcorn flavour supreme: sweet and salt. Greater than the sum of its parts, residing alongside such culinary titans as bacon and maple syrup, salted caramel, and French fries and milkshake. As for your frightful lingua salis affliction, just like any other self-respecting movie goer, you should be chugging multiple Mega-Guzz Buckets of Mountain Dew. Not only shall your tongue rejoice in a chilled and tingling, refreshing bath of delight, but the sugar and caffeine content will jack up your focus to ultrasonic levels to aid inflated film critiques whilst vibrating in your seat.
It is widely appreciated that Reading Cinema’s customer service is exemplary. Valiant members of staff may be seen fearlessly taking scolding hot kernels to the neck in their indefatigable duty of customer satisfaction. Tirelessly, they labour! Above and beyond, they strive! Fleece clad and shark eyed, these noble members of staff are forever on the lookout for any opportunity to improve your movie viewing experience, so perhaps put in a request directly.
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