Dear Uncle Randy, The tax year has ended… how do I cook my books?!
Let’s be honest, no one likes paying tax. Actually filing a tax return is nothing but a laborious campaign into the convoluted catacombs of governmental red tape – fiercely presided over by petty officials, jobsworths, bastard bureaucrats – truly, an administrative ache in the balls. I myself avoid paying tax like the plague and haven’t paid any state levies for over 250 tax years; but, fortunately for me, I’m not really real. You suckers in the real world however, have to pay tax. You must endure the indignant demands of communal contributions, obliged to bear this bitter goitre of civic responsibility.
As is common knowledge, the vast majority of people are getting paid fabulously well. The average joe is much like a financial PEZ dispenser, popping out gold bars like precious candies. And as the hoard of cold, hard cash accumulates, stashed inside bulging mattresses or on one of several yachts, the looming, covetous figure of the Taxman grows ever more sinister. Those filthy rotten stinking commies of Inland Revenue insist on extorting their pound of flesh for such follies as infrastructure, healthcare, welfare, education, foreign aid, emergency services, libraries, and even the cornerstone of that red devil called Socialism, public parks; all in the absurd name of “Society”. Evidently, too much traceable cash has become an all too common problem. So, how best to protect and preserve one’s vast wealth? How does one avoid, evade, non-disclose and deceive?
Legitimate business fronts often prove an effective means of concealing one’s true earnings. Cash based businesses such as car washes, strip clubs, vegan whole-food cafés, are virtually always money laundering rackets. Why not start your own legitimate children’s day-care fight club to convert surplus cash into verifiable gambling winnings, 15-1 on the kid with glasses. Next, scurry those winnings into offshore bank accounts in the Caribbean – alongside those of your local MP – where taxation is meagre and transactions elusive. Then, go global! Conglomerate! Monopolise the markets and hold mere nations economically hostage! Multi-nationals pay practically no tax, exacting billions whilst reinvesting nothing back into those markets and communities they capitalised. They don’t, so why should you?
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