Llama.

Dear Uncle Randy,

I’m thinking of buying my bf a llama for Xmas, should I ask the landlord first?

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Perhaps rather than directing your enquiries toward the landlord regarding the admissibility of cohabiting with farmyard animals, you should first be asking yourself, ‘What am I trying to accomplish in purchasing a llama?’ No doubt, they are glorious creatures, capable only of increasing the value of their surrounds per diem. But ask yourself, where is this llama coming from? Is it a genuine gift of abundance and joy; an expression of union and mutual adoration between you and your partner? Or is it a desperate attempt to resuscitate a relationship that has ceased to beat sound and true; a fanciful bid to inject some long lost novelty into a habitual performance of partnership that has succumbed to a lacklustre quotidian monotony? Be honest now.

Evidently, your relationship is in a state of utter ruination. You cause each other nothing but irritation and distress, frustration and resentment. Arguing acrimoniously over everything and nothing, keeping score of numerous offences and transgressions, it has become clear that your personalities are incompatible as you strain to remember the good times and why you entered into this quagmire of toxicity in the first place.

Whilst a llama can certainly offer both charming company and plush wool yields, a six foot fluffy camelid — taking up space in the front room, chewing on the furniture and shitting in the hallway — cannot fill the gaping void that so clearly exists between you and your boyfriend. A llama will not repair your broken love, nor solve your inability to communicate effectively. A llama should never be a band-aid cure for such a gangrenous wound, and it would be profoundly unfair to lay that burden upon such a sweet and unsuspecting creature. Perhaps you should address the emotional chasm that separates your two hearts before you consider shanghaiing another life form into the vortex of your personal shit storm. Consider therapy; consider breaking up. Consider the llama.

Randy.

Office Romance.

Dear Uncle Randy,

I can’t stop making a tit of myself in front of this hot girl at work. Yesterday I accidentally stapled her skirt to the desk — do you think I’m still in with a chance?

–

When it comes to the mating rituals of the animal kingdom, you simians really have nothing to worry about. Fortunately, hundreds of thousands of years of natural selection have taken care of a great deal of the courtship process. Seduction runs in your bloodline. Your parents, your great-grandparents, all the way back to your lascivious neolithic ancestors, have all been wholly successful in the art of seduction, and each has passed their sexual prosperity on to you.

The problems only really arise when You get in the way of your own natural process.  Hooked by desire, wanting, clinging to what could be, you try to ‘figure out’ how to attain the object of your affections. Rather than moving with the rousing instincts of your primordial body, you start thinking with the limited scope of your quotidian mind. Questioning, judging, second guessing each minute communication between you and this prospective mate in a desperate bid to affect a desired outcome. And in such a state you lose flow, you forget yourself, you become stilted, unnatural and wholly unattractive. Good job.

It is uncertainty from within that repels and inspires a flaccid disposition. Humans like confidence. Unwavering certainty in an uncertain world is attractive; it is beneficial to survival, reproduction and the evolutionary heritage you carry forth today. So harness your innate powers! Your carnal prowess is present already, you must simply trust in and act upon your instincts. From this place of relaxed libidinous certitude, only success can arise. Are you stapling with confidence? Are you stammering with conviction? Are you deliberately releasing your bladder into your pants? If so, romance is inevitable.

Now, armed with re-animated aptitude and unwavering self-belief, you can assert yourself and your desire at will. You can express your being freely, brazenly, knowing that all you do and say will be met with joy and acceptance. Create your own chances, attract at will, get out of your way.

Randy.

Online here.

Pants.

Dear Uncle Randy,

My underwear keeps going missing from my washing line but only the black lacy things – what can I do?

–

There are infinite circumstances in this world which lie beyond our immediate control. The economy is in ruins; public transport is delayed; it rains on your wedding day; you are impotent at 30; other people exist and insist on having their own ludicrous opinions, feelings, and sexual perversions. One could spend a lifetime beating upstream, screaming into the winds of circumstance, exhausting oneself against the turbulent, unremitting reality into which one is thrown. Or, one may relax and recline, surrender willingly to the current and ride in harmony with the comings and goings of today’s bullshit.

The question remains, what can you do? What action can you take; what does lie within your control? You could stop hanging your laundry out — hang it up inside, or stop wearing black lacy things altogether. You could move to a neighbourhood with fewer registered sex offenders. You could install sentinels to watch over your washing line with guard dogs and submachine guns. You could instigate an international campaign to hunt down and execute the perpetrator, brandishing their severed head as a warning to all prospective panty snatching perverts.

Or you could simply accept the particularity of today’s perversions without resistance, free from antipathy or aversion. Greet the current state of your reality with open arms and live congruently, agreeably. Remove all conflict, find your seat in today’s oddity of life and discover joy in the unwanted and unforeseen. Embrace your status as a symbol of lacy lust and adorn your washing line end to end with a plethora of aphrodisiac gifts: thongs, stockings, bodacious bras and negligees, all for the taking! The legends will be true of the beauteous bounty bestowed. Pervs will come from far and wide to purloin your panties and sniff the crotch of charity and goodwill. And as you give so generously to the world, the world shall respond in kind. In a glory of karmic retribution, gifts shall rain upon you as abundance proliferates throughout your life. Harmony shall restore, devoid of conflict, full of pants.

Randy.

Online here.

Pic.